Dear Hammer,

I’m a rather talkative person. I enjoy the exchange of ideas and information that comes from true communication with others, but I also talk to myself. And animals. And plants. And inanimate household objects. Shutting up is a serious challenge for me.

I’m also a Southerner, and have an accent that is somewhere between Texas twang and Southern drawl. I say “yessir” and “nossir”, and I call people “honey”. My mouth thinks “gointa” is a real word… as in, “Ah’m gointa th’ store tha safternoon.” And I have to make a trip to Yankeeland later in the year.

Would it be considered rude if I refuse to speak to anyone while I’m there? And how would I avoid doing that, anyway? Is Duck Tape over the mouth an acceptable fashion accessory after Labor Day?

Sincerely,
Ah’m Tawlkin’ Ta Yew

 

Dear Tawlkin:

Screw em, the yankees hve just as much to feel  self conscious about with their funny accents.

Be yourself and talk away.  On the other hand, if you just don’t want to talk to any damn northerners just put a piece of medical tape on your throat and point to it anytime someone speaks to you. 

Hope this helps,

Hammer

Dear Hammer,

This question is about foreskins and more specifically:  dickcheese.
Now, being a chick I have limited access to uncut men.
Recently, I had up and close personal access, and afterwards, I had some more ‘access’.
The initial access was seemingly dairy-free, but the second time around, there was a well, schmegma inside the…enclosed “area”

Quickly, he rubs it away and explains:
“Oh, that was from just today”  meaning in the last hour or so…

So, do you own the uncut equipment, and if so, can you tell me how long it takes to work up a batch of cheese?

It was not funky to smell, but it freaked me out.
How long does dickcheese take to generate?  is it a result of being postcoital? If you personally do not know, can you reference this one out?

the Penis Vegan

Dear Vegan:

Most men born after 1985 or so are uncut because it was decided by the doctors in the know that a foreskin is not dirty and smeg is a necessary biological component.

Smeg or dick cheese as you so delicately put it, is a man’s natural lubrication.  Problem is,  public knowedge  hasn’t caught up to dealing with the formage frumunda. Consequently, all the dicks in the old grainy sex ed films are sans turtle neck.  Just like any other cheese that forms in the moist and meaty regions of both sexes,  just keep a wet cloth handy for before and after to alieviate any unpleasantness.  I’m guessing by your handle, bringing wine and crackers is not an option.

 Cheers!

 

Get the funk out

It’s summer where I live and while I realize that it’s normal for triple digit heat to result in sweat, panting, and some freakish-looking scuzz that forms in between my toes, is there a way to fight that “not so fresh feeling”?

Sign Me,

Sweating in Sacramento

Dear sweating,

I know what you mean, It gets scuzzy here too.  Try getting a bottle of tea tree powder. That stuff cuts the funk and keeps things sorta dry, be careful and don’t put it in your underwear.  Use cornstarch for sesitive parts.  Try to eat light and stay away from starchy, greasy foods.  Good luck and stay dry!

Hammer 

Mammary musings

Dear Hammer,I’m not really asking for advice (this time)… I just want something explained to me. What’s the big deal about women’s breasts? They’re really just bags of fat with milk ducts. Doesn’t sound too attractive. It’s not considered attractive when a man gains enough weight that his breasts could be DD cups. Then there’s the fact that a man with DD cups could still walk around with no shirt on, but a woman with DD cups can’t. Please explain why boobs matter so much.

Also, something I’ve always wondered about… When I was a girl, I prayed for big boobs. I prayed for them every night. By the time I was starting High School, I had the biggest boobs in my family. Does this prove God is a man?

Thank you,
Mellons A. Plenty

Dear Mellons:

 

The attractiveness of large breasts on women stems from an deap seated instinct for a male to find a mate that can provide the most and best quality food for it’s offspring. Of course, men don’t do this consciously for the most part.

Once a man gets hold of the object of his fascination there isn’t a whole lot he can do with them.  Scientist have recently discovered that men can lactate just like women given he right kind of stimulation. There have been cases where after the loss of the mother that men were able to take over the breast feeding duties and save the child.  Of course these cases are rare and overall male breasts are considered unsightly. 

The covering up of female breasts is a completely cultural thing most likely stemming from religious and moral codes set down in antiquity.

Personally, I recognize the attraction breasts hold and try to intellectualize it as much as possible. However when blatant examples of large breasts pass by, it’s difficult not to give a second glance even when it’s not polite to do so.

 When I was at a music festival many years back, a good number of the women walked around bare chested and after a short period of time noticing that no one else was bothered or obviously titillated by the numerous half naked females I myself become quickly desensitized and it stopped being an issue.

Not sure if god is a man or woman, the sense of humor could go both ways.

Dealing with chatty Cathy

My coworker is driving me nuts.  We have become good friends and I enjoy her company and sense of humor.  The problem is, she has a different work ethic than I do.  (This could be because she’s a mere 27 years old and I am 40!)  She comes to my desk, makes herself comfortable and hangs out for extended periods of time.  I don’t think this looks good to the “boss people.”  I think my own performance speaks for itself, so I’m not really concerned it will reflect poorly on me.  However, I am finding it difficult to stay on task at times because of her visits.  When I say something about it, she blows me off, or gets mad.  I’m not up for the immature 7th grade social mentality.  Any suggestions?

signed,

Terri Terri

http://territerri.com/

Dear Terri Terri:

I have had similar problems in the workplace. If you are really good friends with your co-worker,  keeping her from slacking at your desk may jeapordize your relationship.

It sounds like you have already addressed the issue somewhat. Since she is not getting the hint, you may just have to consistently tell her that you have work to do and although you enjoy her company and value her friendship, you take your job seriously and have to consider that first and foremost. If she is truely your friend she will get over it. 

There is the possibility that management will have to face the fact that your friend doesn’t take her job seriously and the problem may take care of itself.

Good luck and I hope this helps.

Hammer

Hating people

Dear Hammer,

I have a serious problem. It makes my life a nightmare day in day out. I think the problem comes from me. I hate people.

Not everyone thankfully, I do like a lot of people and thankfully lots of people like me too. But the people I hate seem to be going out of their way to pester and annoy me to such proportions that I cannot fall asleep at night, because I am too busy scheming/fantasing on getting back at them.

I hate one of my colleague who adores me and is like a freaking annoying puppy I want to kick and throw stones at. (Please excuse the cruelty to animals, I would not harm a puppy, but him, yes)

I also hate my in-laws, and I feel guilty about hating them because they like me. They like me so much that they allow themselves to criticise everything about me and my lifestyle, just because they may not have noticed that I come from a different part of the world where we do indeed live differently.

I tried indifference, but that did not work, any recommendations (on indifference or anything else).
Thanks!

Signed a Hatful of hatred.

Dear Hatful,

People who pester, harass, criticise and constantly insult others for no good reason deserve your wrath. I have and still to this day deal with such people.

My only advice to you is to be straightfoward and honest about your feelings. My mother in law for example, constantly makes snide comments about my weight even though she is a giant cow herself.  I just calmly stated that I do not appreciate her remarks and she needs to show me the same respect I show her.

Usually confronting your adversaries head on in a calm professional manner, takes all the wind out of their sails and embarasses them to the point where they will step all over themselves trying to apologize.

You will feel much better if you tackle these miscreants head on.

Best of luck to you.

Hammer

Cut the strings?

Here’s my problem……..it started as a blog so that’s what it seems more like, than a question really, but I decided I shouldn’t publish it and then I thought of the Dear Hammer thing!!  =)

“Most of us try our best as parents.  We do what we think is right for our kids.  We teach them well, or so we think.  We take them places.  Spend money on them.  We give them countless opportunities and experiences.  We believe in them.

Ultimately we love them.  Unconditionally.  We support them through their trials and tribulations.  We (time and time again) think things like “oh well, it’s just a stage” or “it’s just the teenage years” or “they’ve had a rough time lately” or any number of ‘excuses’ for their behaviour.

What happens when the time comes and you feel like saying “THAT’S IT!!” ???

I think today is that day for me.  My daughter is bright, she’s headstrong, she’s got integrity, she has some good morals, she is talented, beautiful and quick to learn.  But MAN, is she damn STUPID sometimes!!!???  Yep, she IS!!  She is 17 by the way.

She has just handed her notice in at her job.  Which she has only had for around 4 weeks.  It took her ages to find the job.  She doesn’t live at home so has bills to pay.  She seems to be angry – not sure why or what at?  She flies off the handle if someone says something she doesn’t agree with, and then that person is written-off……sounds like that’s what happened,and she handed her notice in.  I haven’t talked to her about it, and to be honest, I don’t actually WANT to!  I don’t really care if it was the WORST job on earth (and it WASN’T!!), she should’ve stuck at it, at LEAST until she had found another one!!

The way things have been going lately I really want to ‘cut her off’ now.  Sounds harsh, but I’m just sick of supporting her time and time again, when she makes such ridiculous decisions.

I’m angry and upset right now, because I just found this out, but I feel like I’ve wasted 17yrs of my life!!

 Do I say “My support ends here.  Make your own way in the world and don’t come to me for help anymore!!” or what?  I’m frustrated and I guess I’m hurt too.  Help!! What do I do?

Dear Frustrated.

This is a common problem. When kids get to the age where they want independence but are not too keen on working for it and accepting the responsibilites involved, something has to give.

I would suggest sitting down and having a heart to heart with her and explain that the gravy train stops at 18 (thats the normal age for adulhood) and she will have to pull her own weight from there. Kids are takers by nature and mothers are givers and nurturers. The best thing you can do is is ease her off parental money and let nature take it’s course.

Anger is a great incentive but it’s not the time to appoach, admonish or make life altering decisions.

I ‘m sure I’ll be in the same boat myself some day soon.

Good luck and be sure to let us know how it goes.

Hammer

Window Shakers going deaf?

Dear Hammer,I’m very concerned about some of my neighbors. It seems that several houses on this street have occupants who are deaf, but cannot afford hearing aids. I can only assume this is because they spent all their money on the best stereo systems available. Why else would anyone need to turn their music up loud enough to shake my windows? I feel so sorry for them… the trials they must face trying to live in a world with no sound. Obviously, their only joy is to sit down at the end of a long, silent day and make their skulls vibrate with the music. They can’t even hear that the lyrics are so offensive that Larry Flynt would be ashamed to listen to any of it. What can I do to help these unfortunate creatures?

Phoenyx
http://onemonkeystypewriter.blogspot.com

Dear Phoenyx

Just knock on their door and hand them a pamplet advertising “miracle ear”

Just kidding.

Call the cops if the music goes on after 10PM… just make sure nobody finds out it’s you.

I frigging hate window rattling rap music. 

 

Hammer

Wing strain

Dear Hammer:     Don’t mean to take up so much of your time, but this
northern Loon needs your help.  I know that you’re tired, what with all the
research you have just completed on the whole bathroom etiquette thing
but…Do you have any advice on how to help this annoying part pain/part bit of
momentary numbness on the left side of my neck, sort of where the collarbone
meets the spine,  just above my left wing?  Yes, I’m probably spending too
long pecking away at the computer, but that can’t be helped at the moment. 
Hate to bother you, but it’s beginning to hurt when I hit the nest for the
night.  The other Loons in the area are beginning to squak, what with my
being up and down most of the night.  Do you have any tips for my left wing,
as well?  I’d like to get a good night’s rest for whatever is left of the
night.  Also, any tips you might have for raising my beak a little higher
would be most appreciated…so far I’m just one little lonely Loon.  Please
help.      Low Beak

Dear lowbeak:

Your wing condition sounds like one I’ve seen in a few others.  The unnatural position of the computer chair and keyboard can sometimes cause a pinched nerve.  Other causes can be sleeping with too many pillows, or carrying a heavy purse or backpack .  Relief can come only from isolating and removing the cause of the strain.  If it persists, a doctor may prescribe muscle relaxers.  I sympathize because I’m noticing some carpal tunnel in my right wrist and need to watch it myself. Hope this helps and I wish you a speedy recovery.

  I’m  not a real bird specialist but I play one on the internet.

Hammer

One sided conversations

Dear Hammer,

I have the same problem with two different special people in my life, my sister and my good friend. They are both nice good natured people but whenever I talked to either of these people the conversation is always about them. I’m not saying all the conversations all the time should be about me, but it would be nice to talk about things that are happening in my life, how my family is doing, and what I have been up to recently? It seems that to either of them, I am just someone to vent to. Which would normally be fine, except that when I need to vent or just to talk, neither of them are to be found. I know that both of these people in my life are extremely busy, my sister has a kid for instance, but how should I handle the situation? When I talk to either of them on the phone or through IMs on the internet, all I can say anymore is “yeah” or “mmhmm”. I don’t want to lose either of these people, but it seems like neither of them care about my person feelings, etc.

Sincerely,

Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

It’s the age old problem. Some friends only want someone to talk at and to listen to them but they are too self absorbed and selfish to even consider that you might have something to say. I have to say 70% people I know are like that.

My advice is to politely call them on it. Some are so used to behaving this way that they don’t even think about how their rudeness affects others. If they don’t change, then just start cuttting them off mid conversation. It would also be good to also find some people with common interests and are interested in talking “with you”. It’s refreshing to speak with someone who has a genuine interest in what you say.

This is why I enjoy blogging. People cannot monopolize the situation as easily.

Hope it workes out and your sister and friend can learn to be more equitable in their behavior.

I wish you the best,

Hammer