Lets just be friends.

Well, Hammer, I noticed that you haven’t had any letters posted lately, so I figure I may as well write to you about my situation, just because I find it so damned confusing.
You see, I recently met a girl (for future reference, girl=woman…I just type shorter words) who seemed like a sweet enough sort; we’ll call her B. B and I kind of hit it off pretty quickly. We began dating, but very early on, she changed her mind about that idea and decided we should “just be friends” for awhile and see where it would go from there. I figured this meant what it usually does: “I don’t want to see you ever again.”
It didn’t mean that apparently. The day after she decided this, B texted (yes, I dislike texting as much as the next guy, but it’s something she does) that she was bored and wanted something to do. Rather than hang out then, we set up a date/non-date (whichever it really was). After setting this up, she decided she’d bring a friend. The three of us spent the day together, and she cuddled up to me while we were playing video games, further confusing me.
Well, I work nights and have access to a computer at work. The best friend, M, was up all night, and we were in contact, amusing each other. (Yes, I know you can see the train wreck coming, but it didn’t look so bad at the time.) She asked me when Starbucks opened. She doesn’t have a car, so I told her I could take her to pick up some coffee when I got off work at 0500. At this point, even I could see the train wreck coming, but I figured that was just me.
We went to Starbucks, where she waited for me to decide what I wanted and to decode (again) the sizing structure. She timed everything well to make sure that I’d end up paying. Since I had talked to her about my confusion in the situation with B, I figured that maybe I owed her, so I didn’t worry.
Then she decided we should drink it there. Well, M lives with B, and she apparently accidentally woke her. And, it seems, she told B that I’d taken her to coffee. Despite the whole “friend” thing, B was pissed. But only at M, it seems. She wouldn’t speak to her or tell me what was going on with them. And she became territorial around me. I became more thoroughly confused. And I found that M wasn’t really allowed to speak to me anymore. I emailed M to ask what was up, since I had only figured it, not confirmed. Part of her response included: “She is mad that we went to get coffee because I went out with her ex.” Which leads me to believe it may have been seen as a date (which I had started to expect), and that M had decided that I was fair game, though it seemed clear that B was still staking a claim. I’m so damned confused.

I guess I’m not really asking for advice, but a sharp slap to the side of my stupid head. This may not be the sort of thing you want to post on Dear Hammer, but I thought I’d write it out, anyway. I guess I could ask for advice–do I just walk away, keep working things out with territorial B, or try to see what happens with M, who turned out to be more my type? You don’t need to answer, since it’s likely a losing battle regardless. Sorry it’s so long, feel free to cut it down if you decide to use it.

–D

Dear D.

Welcome to the jungle.  In the world of  dating nothing can really be taken at face value. Sounds like you are staying centered at least.  Sounds like “M” might not be such a great friend and is just messing around or marking territory. Also sounds like “B” might not be totally sure of her descision. Of course these are things you may already know.

My advice… Have fun. Don’t take the games too seriously. Hang out with who you like on your turns. They will get over it.  To quote an old song…you can’t please everyone so you got to please yourself.

 Hope this helps and thanks for the letter.

Hammer