Dear Hammer Follow up.

Dear Hammer -
 
I first wrote you about my miserable marriage on March 19 2007 and you published my letter as “Reclaiming a Life.”  I did as you said, planned carefully and began getting my ducks in a row.  I think the stress of my marriage combined with my job resulted in a weakened immune system, and I ended up in hospital with a life-threatening illness last last summer, just 10 weeks shy of my goal departure date.  I missed a month of work and then went back to work weak and on greatly-reduced hours.  I gradually built up stamina, but it took three more months before I could work a full work week.  Meanwhile, things continued apace in the depressing rut of his preachy superiority and my mute acceptance of his household tyranny.  I rented an apartment, unbeknownst to him.  Every paycheck I paid some rent he never knew about.  I paid for the empty apartment for 6 months before I scraped up the guts to file for divorce.  So far, things have been pretty civil.  He’s relied heavily on my parents for support (which means there’s not a lot left for me) and they are sad about the split and wish we could work it out.  NOW he is talking to me about seeking a counselor, and I pointed out that the last time we did that (with a faith-based counselor he found through church) she clearly took sides with him against me.  He said something of how he doesn’t approve of the techniques she used, and I said “but it was validating for you at the time, wasn’t it?”  He admitted he was dishonest with her about our relationship.  I am beyond caring, and there’s nothing there I WANT to salvage, especially since there are no children.
 
Anyway.  Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.  Here I sit in my new place, and I’m working daily to get it more organized.  There’s a lot to be done, and money will be tight, but I’ve got a lot to be thankful for and to look forward to.  I feel like I’m on the brink of wonderful possibilities for the first time in many years.
 
Thanks for the very good advice.  I was able to continue for the intervening 13 months since that letter and your advice without ever resorting to cruel disdain for my husband.  I’m intelligent enough to know that tearing someone else down– no matter how carelessly they’ve treated me– defiles rather than elevates me.   I’ll let you know when everything is concluded what the outcomes are.  Thanks again. 

 

Dear anon:

It sounds like the worst part of this painful ordeal is over. You made the tough decisions and stuck to your guns. I hope someone who is suffering will read your letter and take courage from it. Congratulations on starting a new more fulfuilling life.

Hammer

Is it ok to fudge while man shopping online?

Hey I just noticed you answer questions. Here’s one of about a million I have.  Since your married you may be unfamiliar with how things are on dating sites but generally speaking men look for women that are younger than they are which leaves only older men for women who are in their late 30-s and 40’s. 

So if a 41 year old woman wants to meet a guy that is 40 - 45 she’s probably going to be looked over for women who are 25 - 35.  To get around that some women lie about their ages and say they are younger just to get their foot in the door (so to speak) and get some guys their age looking at them rather than men who are in their late 40’s to early 60’s. 

Question:  Is this acceptable?  I personally  have not done this because I  don’t want to start a relationship based on a lie.  But  I do see why some women feel compelled to “stretch the truth” in order to meet guys their age. 

Your thoughts are appreciated.

Trying to help a sista,
B

Dear B:

I have personally known and known of several people that fib about their age, weight, marital status, job,kids, wealth etc.. on online dating sites. Pretty much all they get is trouble.

There is also a really good chance that the other side is lying too. (Remind me to tell you a story later)

Look at it this way:  41 isn’t old and  you may have not heard that there is a new hot trend going on where women of your age group are considered attractive and desirable by men of all ages.

Be yourself, be proud and reap the rewards of your age, wisdom and intelligence.

Best of luck to you and don’t be taken for a ride by any chumps.
Hammer

Tempeh

Hammer:

 have you ever used tempeh in your cooking

I’m leaning towards a more vegetable diet (read not vegetarian) lol

Im fighting gout and the red meat is killing me

and I hate tofu but a friend or mine use to make these

outstanding sandwiches with tempeh. He would chop up

the tempeh and add in chopped onion and diced red bell

pepper and mayo and stir it all up then throw that on  fresh

hoagie rolls and a big heap of sprouts and eat till we were bloated

but anyway have you ever used it?

Signed anon

.

.

Dear Anon:

Another friend just told me about tempeh it looks interesting. I might give it a try.
 
Personally, I eat these  http://www.seeveggiesdifferently.com/product_detail.aspx?family=366&id=324 as well as their breakfast products.
I can’t get tofu to come out good at home but I eat it at thai places and they make it taste really good.
Portabella mushrooms are another protein option as well.
 
Gout is really painful. I got it once when I was up around 310 pounds. Once I took the weight off it got better but I still have to watch the fatty foods very carefully
 
If you try tempeh let me know how you like it, I’m always looking for new options.

Best regards,

Hammer

Dear Hammer,

I need to get new tires for my car (a Corolla).  Over the years I’ve used Firestone tires, but when I was looking online at what they have, a lot of them, if not most, had poor reviews, and it’s making me wonder.  I want good tires that last, and I’m not afraid to pay a lot for them-peace of mind is more important to me than money. What would you consider the best brand(s) of all-weather tires?

Tired Out
 

Dear tired:

It can be tough to get good aftermarket tires. I’ve had horrible luck with supposedly good name brands that I purchased at Sams club and other such places.

I would suggest buying your tires at a reputable nationwide chain then take them to be installed at a small mom and pop tire shop. Brands such as BF goodrich, goodyear and pirelli are safe bets.  When using this method you get the tire warranty but don’t have to pay the outrageous prices for valve stems, balancing, and mounting. For your type of car do not pay more then 40 to 45 dollars per tire.  If you choose to use the chain store for installation beware of all the additional charges they add without your consent.  Do not by extended tread wear warranties or put up with fake fees. Like 9 dollar environmental charges  and whatnot.  Good luck.

Lets just be friends.

Well, Hammer, I noticed that you haven’t had any letters posted lately, so I figure I may as well write to you about my situation, just because I find it so damned confusing.
You see, I recently met a girl (for future reference, girl=woman…I just type shorter words) who seemed like a sweet enough sort; we’ll call her B. B and I kind of hit it off pretty quickly. We began dating, but very early on, she changed her mind about that idea and decided we should “just be friends” for awhile and see where it would go from there. I figured this meant what it usually does: “I don’t want to see you ever again.”
It didn’t mean that apparently. The day after she decided this, B texted (yes, I dislike texting as much as the next guy, but it’s something she does) that she was bored and wanted something to do. Rather than hang out then, we set up a date/non-date (whichever it really was). After setting this up, she decided she’d bring a friend. The three of us spent the day together, and she cuddled up to me while we were playing video games, further confusing me.
Well, I work nights and have access to a computer at work. The best friend, M, was up all night, and we were in contact, amusing each other. (Yes, I know you can see the train wreck coming, but it didn’t look so bad at the time.) She asked me when Starbucks opened. She doesn’t have a car, so I told her I could take her to pick up some coffee when I got off work at 0500. At this point, even I could see the train wreck coming, but I figured that was just me.
We went to Starbucks, where she waited for me to decide what I wanted and to decode (again) the sizing structure. She timed everything well to make sure that I’d end up paying. Since I had talked to her about my confusion in the situation with B, I figured that maybe I owed her, so I didn’t worry.
Then she decided we should drink it there. Well, M lives with B, and she apparently accidentally woke her. And, it seems, she told B that I’d taken her to coffee. Despite the whole “friend” thing, B was pissed. But only at M, it seems. She wouldn’t speak to her or tell me what was going on with them. And she became territorial around me. I became more thoroughly confused. And I found that M wasn’t really allowed to speak to me anymore. I emailed M to ask what was up, since I had only figured it, not confirmed. Part of her response included: “She is mad that we went to get coffee because I went out with her ex.” Which leads me to believe it may have been seen as a date (which I had started to expect), and that M had decided that I was fair game, though it seemed clear that B was still staking a claim. I’m so damned confused.

I guess I’m not really asking for advice, but a sharp slap to the side of my stupid head. This may not be the sort of thing you want to post on Dear Hammer, but I thought I’d write it out, anyway. I guess I could ask for advice–do I just walk away, keep working things out with territorial B, or try to see what happens with M, who turned out to be more my type? You don’t need to answer, since it’s likely a losing battle regardless. Sorry it’s so long, feel free to cut it down if you decide to use it.

–D

Dear D.

Welcome to the jungle.  In the world of  dating nothing can really be taken at face value. Sounds like you are staying centered at least.  Sounds like “M” might not be such a great friend and is just messing around or marking territory. Also sounds like “B” might not be totally sure of her descision. Of course these are things you may already know.

My advice… Have fun. Don’t take the games too seriously. Hang out with who you like on your turns. They will get over it.  To quote an old song…you can’t please everyone so you got to please yourself.

 Hope this helps and thanks for the letter.

Hammer

HD TV DVD?????

Hiya!  I have a question for you. We’ve been hearing that in 2009 everyone will be watching HDTV because the analog signals are going to be gone for good. If our old TV can gasp its way to then, we’ll get a converter box, so I’m not worried about that. What I was wondering is, will there be any real difference in the DVDs I own? Will they play as well on HDTV?  I tried to look it up but all this technical info makes my eyes cross and I can’t find anything that specifically answers my question. I’d hate to think that all the DVDs I own now will be garbage and unviewable. Thanks,
Cross-EyedDear Crosseyed 

To take advantage of an HD TV, a progressive scan DVD player will be required.  Only DVDs recorded in HD format will show the true advantages of all the combined technology.

Simple answer…an HDTV  hooked to a  progressive scan  DVD player and a disk recorded in HD  will look great. Old DVDs will still play normally.

Hope this helps:

 Hammer

Dear Hammer,

I’m a rather talkative person. I enjoy the exchange of ideas and information that comes from true communication with others, but I also talk to myself. And animals. And plants. And inanimate household objects. Shutting up is a serious challenge for me.

I’m also a Southerner, and have an accent that is somewhere between Texas twang and Southern drawl. I say “yessir” and “nossir”, and I call people “honey”. My mouth thinks “gointa” is a real word… as in, “Ah’m gointa th’ store tha safternoon.” And I have to make a trip to Yankeeland later in the year.

Would it be considered rude if I refuse to speak to anyone while I’m there? And how would I avoid doing that, anyway? Is Duck Tape over the mouth an acceptable fashion accessory after Labor Day?

Sincerely,
Ah’m Tawlkin’ Ta Yew

 

Dear Tawlkin:

Screw em, the yankees hve just as much to feel  self conscious about with their funny accents.

Be yourself and talk away.  On the other hand, if you just don’t want to talk to any damn northerners just put a piece of medical tape on your throat and point to it anytime someone speaks to you. 

Hope this helps,

Hammer

Dear Hammer,

This question is about foreskins and more specifically:  dickcheese.
Now, being a chick I have limited access to uncut men.
Recently, I had up and close personal access, and afterwards, I had some more ‘access’.
The initial access was seemingly dairy-free, but the second time around, there was a well, schmegma inside the…enclosed “area”

Quickly, he rubs it away and explains:
“Oh, that was from just today”  meaning in the last hour or so…

So, do you own the uncut equipment, and if so, can you tell me how long it takes to work up a batch of cheese?

It was not funky to smell, but it freaked me out.
How long does dickcheese take to generate?  is it a result of being postcoital? If you personally do not know, can you reference this one out?

the Penis Vegan

Dear Vegan:

Most men born after 1985 or so are uncut because it was decided by the doctors in the know that a foreskin is not dirty and smeg is a necessary biological component.

Smeg or dick cheese as you so delicately put it, is a man’s natural lubrication.  Problem is,  public knowedge  hasn’t caught up to dealing with the formage frumunda. Consequently, all the dicks in the old grainy sex ed films are sans turtle neck.  Just like any other cheese that forms in the moist and meaty regions of both sexes,  just keep a wet cloth handy for before and after to alieviate any unpleasantness.  I’m guessing by your handle, bringing wine and crackers is not an option.

 Cheers!

 

Get the funk out

It’s summer where I live and while I realize that it’s normal for triple digit heat to result in sweat, panting, and some freakish-looking scuzz that forms in between my toes, is there a way to fight that “not so fresh feeling”?

Sign Me,

Sweating in Sacramento

Dear sweating,

I know what you mean, It gets scuzzy here too.  Try getting a bottle of tea tree powder. That stuff cuts the funk and keeps things sorta dry, be careful and don’t put it in your underwear.  Use cornstarch for sesitive parts.  Try to eat light and stay away from starchy, greasy foods.  Good luck and stay dry!

Hammer 

Mammary musings

Dear Hammer,I’m not really asking for advice (this time)… I just want something explained to me. What’s the big deal about women’s breasts? They’re really just bags of fat with milk ducts. Doesn’t sound too attractive. It’s not considered attractive when a man gains enough weight that his breasts could be DD cups. Then there’s the fact that a man with DD cups could still walk around with no shirt on, but a woman with DD cups can’t. Please explain why boobs matter so much.

Also, something I’ve always wondered about… When I was a girl, I prayed for big boobs. I prayed for them every night. By the time I was starting High School, I had the biggest boobs in my family. Does this prove God is a man?

Thank you,
Mellons A. Plenty

Dear Mellons:

 

The attractiveness of large breasts on women stems from an deap seated instinct for a male to find a mate that can provide the most and best quality food for it’s offspring. Of course, men don’t do this consciously for the most part.

Once a man gets hold of the object of his fascination there isn’t a whole lot he can do with them.  Scientist have recently discovered that men can lactate just like women given he right kind of stimulation. There have been cases where after the loss of the mother that men were able to take over the breast feeding duties and save the child.  Of course these cases are rare and overall male breasts are considered unsightly. 

The covering up of female breasts is a completely cultural thing most likely stemming from religious and moral codes set down in antiquity.

Personally, I recognize the attraction breasts hold and try to intellectualize it as much as possible. However when blatant examples of large breasts pass by, it’s difficult not to give a second glance even when it’s not polite to do so.

 When I was at a music festival many years back, a good number of the women walked around bare chested and after a short period of time noticing that no one else was bothered or obviously titillated by the numerous half naked females I myself become quickly desensitized and it stopped being an issue.

Not sure if god is a man or woman, the sense of humor could go both ways.